Thursday, August 30th
Nothing to speak of
Just got done checking the results of Panda Inn's last inspection. They got no critical violations; whoo hoo!! Out of the last three they got a clean slate twice. Once they had two critical violations. They seem to be continually getting dinged for the problems concerning using time and temperature to control potential food borne illness- this however seems to be a common problem with many restaurants. I just wish they could get it right.
I've played Panda the last three weekends in a row; in part in an attempt to cast of the doldrums I have been in since starting Invega. Although enjoyable, I've noticed that I don't have the excitement I used to about playing; I have no motivation to learn new material; and I often end the night pretty tuckered out. This weekend Eric is playing for me (I think) so I'll have a chance to rest up. I have about a week to think about things and maybe get the gumption to learn a new song or two.
Bobby VanDeusen was in town last weekend and played with the Clintonville Band. I really wanted to go, but, again, I lacked energy. I learned via the local newspaper that he played Rhapsody in Blue and I didn't feel so bad about missing it- I've never been that crazy about that piece. I would have liked to have seen Bobby though; he and I were classmates at Whetstone many years ago. Even back then he was a fabulous musician- I remember that he played Beethoven's First Piano Concerto with the youth orchestra. Not many years later he became proficient in jazz and makes a very respectable living playing in Pensacola Florida. Every so often he comes back to town for a visit.
Tuesday, August 28th
Psych Report
I'm still not nearly as enthusiastic about writing as I am in my "normal" state. I'm almost forcing myself to blog. Today was my day off, and typically I write like crazy. I did play a little guitar, and I had some fun going out with Nancy- eating, shopping, and to my psych appointment. The doc is keeping me on this level of medication, which is OK. I'm doing 3 mg of Invega, which is about the equivalent of 2 mg of Respiradol. This is a fairly low dose, but it is enough to have me feeling low energy and lacking excitement about just about everything. The doc has said that I will probably get used to these side effects. He also performed a bit of an "experiment" to determine if I am experiencing any stiffness as a side effect, and apparently I am, although I don't feel it. I suppose that if I have an indeterminate amount of stiffness that this could affect my energy, especially since I have a rather physical job.
This Saturday I start a new position in the Post Office. It's not a new route exactly; they call it a carrier technician position; I will be rotating between five routes, covering each on the regular's day off. One of these routes is the one that I currently have, so at least I already know one of the five. I'm still rather nervous though. When I first because a regular, I was a "technician" for a number of years and I enjoyed it, but I was years younger then. I'm hoping that the challenge of a new kind of position plus the stimulation of doing a different route every day will bring some energy back into my existence.
Oh, yeah, and I'm not supposed to drink beer any more because of my meds. Apple Juice is the new beer. :O
Sunday, August 26th
Paddle faster boys, I hear banjo music
I noticed that I haven't written in nearly a week, which is unusual for me. It's hard to say why. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe it's the heat. Work has been awfully hard and this is rather disturbing. Nancy has also been away this weekend, which I expected would inspire me to write, but it hasn't. Probably it's the medication.
I see all my doctors next week: my psychiatrist and my regular M. D. on Tuesday and my psychotherapist on Monday. Still nobody can tell me exactly what happened to me, whether I had a physical condition which cause a psychological condition, or whether I had a psychological condition which caused a physical condition. Predictably, my M. D. believes the former whereas my psychiatrist believes the latter.
I moved my orthodics from above my insoles to below, and added an extra layer of cushioning courtesy of Dr. Scholl. This seems to have helped with my feet, although the best therapy will be to lose weight. This is a struggle for me since it seems I have an addiction to food like I have an addiction to practically everything else.
Although I seem to have lost interest in writing I'm still interested in music and I popped into Tom Davis' shop to talk about bridge pins. Steve, the man behind the desk, recommended that if I got new bridge pins that I have my guitar fitted to match the new pins. This process costs only ten bucks. Of course this makes a lot of sense, but it never occurred to me that it might be necessary. Every time I think I have this guitar thing figured out, somebody throws me a new curve. Steve also mentioned that the shop only charges five bucks to put new strings on your guitar. Restringing a guitar is a process I've always found tedious, and I well may take them up on their offer.
One thing I accomplished while Nancy was off was to hook up the new guitar to my various sound systems via the pickup my dad bequeathed to me a few months before his death. This is the kind that sticks to the top via some gooey stuff. Although it sounds lo-tech it worked wonderfully for my mandolin. Unfortunately it sounds way too trebly on the guitar and if I use is I'm going to have to hunt up my guitar equalizer.
I found out about the existence of yet another acoustic instrument invented in the twentieth century: the dulcijo. This is a kind of three string banjo that is played somewhat like a dulcimer. It seems to have about two enthusiastic supporters: the man who invented it and someone named dadgad. It is a somewhat interesting and pretty sounding thing and I downloaded a few songs to keep for posterity. One interesting song by Michael Fox, inventor of the dulcijo, is something called, "Paddle faster boys, I hear banjo music." Alas, the title is far more interesting than the tune, perhaps reinforcing the basic message. This assumes, of course, that we are paddling away from the source of the music. This is one song I listened to but did not consider saving.
Monday, August 20th
He shall strike your heel
Yesterday Nancy and I spent an idyllic afternoon driving to the Westerville area and eating at a place called the Hoover Grill. This was a place recommended by whirledpeas, one of Nancy's blog acquaintances. It was a bit pricey, but definitely worth it. Afterwards we wound our way back home, I suspect by going way out of our way. I'm not sure but I think at one point we were way north of Hoover Dam.
It was all a great relief after the hecticness of the week. By some strange twist of fate my first week back was my "long week." This is what we letter carriers call the Monday thru Saturday stretch we have to do every six weeks. It follows our "weekend off" which is Friday thru Sunday. Today, Monday, I am off again. It is only fair that we should get Sunday-Monday after doing our long week. Next week I will be off Sunday and Tuesday. Thus is the schedule of a mailman. We actually have to get special calendars to refer to in order to figure out if, for example, we are off a weekend in October.
One problem I am experiencing is more foot pain. I was off for about a month with pain in my peroneal tendons of my left foot. Perhaps because I am compensating for this, I now have pain in my right heel. People talk about what "great exercise" mailmen get because they "get" to walk all day. What is not realized is that it is not healthy walking. Yes, walking normally is healthy. Walking off balance because of a weight on your shoulder is not healthy. Walking on grass can be a particular problem because the ground is uneven. Your feet necessarily must adjust to the uneven surface. This combined with an uneven load is a cause for concern. I had been thinking that this was the cause of my peroneal tendonitis. So I've been avoiding grass and walking on sidewalks and steps as much as practicable. Now my right foot seems to be complaining about this.
Another thing I have done is to switch my satchel from my left side to my right side, since my left foot was hurting. Now my right foot is hurting. So I've switched back. But I need to keep an eye on my left foot which seems to be complaining again. It's an interesting contest I'm having with myself.
Two interesting spider games:
spider3.sav
spider4.sav
I haven't been able to win Spider3 yet, but I'm close. It's hard to believe it's not winnable. Spider4 is winnable but fun.
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Update:
Here is a winnable four suit game:
spider5.sav
Oh, and I finally won Spider3. It's a pretty darn tricky two suit game.
Thursday, August 16th
3rd day's the charm
So yesterday was my third day back to work. I suppose I was suspecting that magically things would be wonderful. The night before I had a really bad dream and I was hoping for some redemption. But things were still hard.
Today was better. I got off a bit early and didn't feel as tired. At my counseling appointment we talked about my dream and that was really hard. Then I came home and went for a bike ride. I'm finding these bike rides really therapeutic. They remind me of a time when I was a kid and rode my bike all around our neighborhood.
It seems that my personality has changed over the past five years. I took a full blown version of the myers-briggs which pegged me as an ENFP. But the last few tests I have taken tell me I'm an ENFJ:
The thing is, at least the way I remember it, when I took the test five years ago I was severely over towards the P side. Now I'm slightly J.
I'll have to think about why this happened.
Tuesday, August 14th
2nd day back
Today went a lot better at work than yesterday. The main thing was that I didn't have 14 boxes of book that I had to deliver. The advo ads were stupid thick which was annoying, but not nearly as big a deal. My muscles were still sore, but I wasn't feeling it nearly as bad as I was at 3:45 yesterday afternoon.
One troubling side effect of my medication is that it seems all I can think about is eating stuff. Every time I drive past a fast food restaurant I want to go in and order french fries. This is annoying- I really cannot remember the last time I had the urge to stop in at McDonald's. But I did today- and white castles, and burger king, and kentucky fried, and this place over on Olentangy River Rd. But the only place I went was Burger King and there I only ordered a drink. How long can I resist temptation, I wonder?
ONe thing I know is that side effects can go away in time as your body gets used to the medication. Wow, I sure hope that is the case with my munchies. I guess I understand the urge pot smokers get now to eat. My new medication is a psychotropic, and I guess it comes with the territory. The medication does seem to be doing a bit of good with my racing thoughts which is what counts, I guess.
Nancy looked up pin point pupils on the internet today. One of the things that none of the nurses could explain was why I had pin point pupils when I was in the emergency room. Nancy found out today that it is a symptom that occurs just before death or coma. I knew somehow that I had escaped death narrowly, but things keep popping up that reemphasize the point to me. This is one of them.
Addiction to food- addiction to money. These are the big two that I battle constantly. Right now I'm trying to avoid the temptation to buy guitar bridge pins, of all things. I changed the strings on my new guitar for the first time tonight. This is always a process I find annoying, but tonight it was doubly annoying because the bridge pins kept popping out. My other guitar doesn't have bridge pins, and I can't say that I ever missed them. I suspect that because my new guitar is a cheap import some of the holes for the pins have been drilled slightly too large. I'll have to ask at the guitar shop about what to do about this, and whether buying fancy bridge pins is a worthwhile investment or not. Martin makes a pretty snazzy set of ebony bridge pins that don't cost too much... hmmmm..... hmmmm.
I feel like some french fries.
Monday, August 13th
1st day back
Today was my first day back to work at the Post Office in three weeks. As I expected, it was physically hard. It wasn't helped by the fact that someone on my route was moving all of their books via the mail. This turned out to be about 14 large packages. Tomorrow I hope will be better.
I'm trying to be more consistent and uniform in my writing. I've relegated my theological musings into one work that I hope to expand over the next... few months... few years? I don't really know. But I want to limit my blogging to less controversial things... basically updates to my blog friends of how my life is going and how I'm feeling about life.
My third writing outlet is a journal that I started around the time I started psychotherapy. This is about how I feel. I have neglected it now for about 5 days. Mostly because I ain't feeling that bad. This isn't a good habit though... I suspect that keeping a journal of how you are feeling helps you from getting down in the dumps. I made myself write in it tonight despite the fact I didn't really feel like it.
It's my third day on my new medication and if there are side effects, they are small enough that it's not a problem. I do seem to be a bit more short of breath, although it's hard to say whether this is the meds or my first day back doing physical labor. I may have a bit of a dry mouth too related to the meds, but nothing at all like the problems I had on repiradol.
Finally I'm regaining interest in music, particularly in the new guitar I bought about a month ago. Amazingly, I don't think I've even mentioned it on this blog. Of course, I'm disappointed in my progress. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't take a flatpick to a guitar ever again... I'm using only fingerpicks. The flatpick is only for the mandolin. What I found is that switching back and forth with a flatpick only tends to mess up my playing on both. I suspect that my right hand just starts to get used to the spacing on one when it has to switch to the other. Using only one type of pick per instrument will keep me fairly competent on each instrument. At least that's the theory. I'm not nearly as good with fingerpicks as with a flatpick so my progress on the guitar is frustrating. I'm still not really on the level where I can sing with confidence while playing the guitar because I still need to concentrate overly on what my right hand is doing. However I'm hoping that in a few month I will be back up to speed. I'm thinking about hitting some of the open stages around the Clintonville area.
Saturday, August 11th
First Day on the new Meds
mood: scared and guilty
Yesterday Nancy and I went to the Ohio State fair. She took a lot of great pictures and posted them on her blog. We had a lot of fun. Our first date was exactly 25 years before. This was exactly our second time to the fair. I suppose the third time will be our 50th anniversary of our first date. We had a great time. I am really, really happy that I am married to her.
Today I started the new meds. My first reaction was to have a small case of the shakes that went away after I ate. We are very nervous about side effects because of all the problems I had with Respiradol. Of course, it is too soon to say what the final results will be. It is something of a nail biter since I am supposed to go back to full duties at work on Monday, including driving and walking in the heat.
We bought a new pair of shoes for me which is also always something of a nail biter. I now wear orthodics because of the bad shape of my feet. A lot of that is probably due to buying not so good (read:cheap) pairs of shoes. I can no longer afford to abuse my feet this way. I go through about two pairs of work shoes a year which translates to close to $200 a year.
This is a hard time for Nancy and me emotionally. I am getting redefined and am redefining myself. We always thought that there would come a time when we would know who we were and what we stood for, and it seems all of the solid ground we thought we were standing on is shifting again. I'm very happy that I am in treatment for my psychological illness, but it's scary too. I also feel guilty for putting Nancy through hell- again.
Thursday, August 9th
The Medicine Wheel
So I went to see Dr. Lalonde today. It occurred to me after I left that I have been his mailman. He used to have an office on Bethel Rd. and I delivered his mail for about three years. I thought his name sounded familiar.
He listened to my tale of woe and told me to immediately stop taking the Lexapro. His theory is that I have a mood disorder which brought on my medical problem. He wanted to put me back on Repiradol. This caused me a lot of angst, so he suggested a new medicine called Invega. He said that it has a lot less side effects. Apparently my mood disorder is a tendency towards mania without the depression episodes typical of bipolar disorder. So I am simply a maniac.
Anyway after finding that Invega is a nonformulary drug on our insurance plan and will therefore cost us forty bucks instead of seven, we went home and looked it up. Invega is about one jot and half a tittle different than Repiradol, which of course is cause for great concern. I am scheduled to go back to work on Monday and Saturday I'm starting on a new medication- chemically almost identical to the one that gave me horrid side effects. On the other hand the small people on the net who have blogged about their experiences with Invega all sing its praises.
I have to agree with the doc about the Lexapro. It seems to simply make me too happy, which is similar to what the SAM-e did. Lalonde didn't have anything nice to say about SAM-e or any other of these herbal remedies. I believe the term "snake oil" appeared somewhere in our conversation. It is ok to continue taking fish oil though. I checked.
Wednesday, August 8th
BLOG! What's it GOOD FOR!! Absolutely ANYTHING!!!
Whew! I'm glad I got all those exclamation points out of my system.
Today I'm blogging about spider solitaire. It's one of many addictions that I have.
When I was in the hospital I imagined that a higher power was talking to me. Now that I have come down to earth I realize I was high. They had pumped me full of antipsychotics and tranquilizers. I've never been a person to do drugs, so I didn't realize that what I was experiencing was my brain's reaction to all these chemicals.
One of the first things I did when I got home was to feed my spider solitaire addiction. The very first game I opened up seemed strangely compelling. I realized I had to save it for posterity. But how? As I thought about it I realized that the Windows version of spider has a save feature by which you can save exactly one game. Windows creates a file called spider.sav in the My Documents folder. Would it work to copy the spider.sav file, rename it, put it someplace other than in My Documents and thus be able to save an unlimited number of games indefinitely?
Well, let's see:
spider1.sav
spider2.sav
What I'm hoping is that one can right click on these files and save them locally. Then they can be renamed spider.sav, rewritten to the My Documents folder, and opened using the Windows Spider program. If this works it is possible for Spider fans to trade off games that they find difficult or interesting.
What I found is that there does indeed seem to be interesting patterns in both of these games, but nothing that is overwhelmingly compelling as I had hoped when I was still high. I did finally manage to beat game 1. Here is what it looks like:
The cards below the line are the dealt ones and the ones above are hidden cards. There is no obvious pattern but as you play the game you find there is an annoying one that makes the game rather difficult to win. It took me several tries.
Game #2 is even more annoying. I doubt it is winnable.
Update: it works like a charm. Possibly I will post more interesting spider games just in case there are other addicts out there in BLOG world.
Sunday, August 5th
Healing and Easy Listening
This is the main genre I put on my new myspace page. I've been wanting to get a myspace for a while now but I've had a lot of problems figuring out how it's done. What's fun is that as I record new stuff I can take down the old and replace it. I'm still having trouble figuring out how to invite friends and do other basic things, but Nancy is helping out. I've billed myself as a mixed genre musician. My personal favorite right now is a folk version of Puer Natus In Bethlehem which is a 14th century Latin chant. I'm getting the jump on Christmas- it translates A Child Is Born In Bethlehem.
Also I'm getting used to this new drink I'm doing called "The Perfect Food." The Perfect Food is a green substance that one mixes with water or fruit juice to create a mineral rich cocktail. I suppose taste and smell are not considered criteria for perfection. The stuff smells like an aquarium that hasn't been cleaned for a while, and I have to nearly double the amount of apple juice to get a pleasant taste. Hey, but the stuff really does work much better than water or juice alone.
In the "things that piss me off" department- when did it become OK to sing when someone else is performing music? I'm not talking about singing along, I'm talking, for example, about singing the O. S. U. fight song when someone is playing a Billy Joel tune. This has happened twice in the past couple of months: once at Panda and once at an open stage Nancy and I went to. Can you imagine? Someone is up on stage performing and someone else at the table behind us is singing some other song and ignoring what is happening on stage. Finally I turned around and said, "Hey this is an open stage. You're welcome to sing on stage when it's your turn." He seemed to get the point, but Jeez!
Friday, August 3rd
Thank God!
mood: Undetermined
Well, I finally got the green light to stop taking Respidol- forever! My reactions to this stuff has been so negative that we have wondered if I am allergic to it.
How did I end up on an antipsychotic drug? It's been a wild ride. I suspect that one of the culprits was the SAM-e that a friend recommended. The box says that SAM-e is a mood stabilizer, but another source now tells me that it is a mood elevator. The distinction seems to be important. At a certain point the ideas inside my head combined (apparently) with the SAM-e caused me to neglect taking care of myself, including hydrating myself properly by drinking water. This is a big problem when you are outside 5 hrs or so in the summer heat.
What is a cause of low potassium? Not drinking enough water. What is a symptom of low potassium? Psychotic episodes.
So now I've dumped the Respidol and I've been prescribed Lexapro. I have strict orders to watch my mood, and if I seem to go manic again, we will have to try something else.
Frankly, I'm just happy to be back to what passes for normal inside of my skull.
Thursday, August 2nd
A. A.- Acknowledging Anchors
Nancy my wife has been blogging constantly about nothing but me, whereas I have completely neglected to blog about her. This during a period that is extremely stressful for the both of us. It's high time I acknowledge publicly what everybody knows: Nancy is my anchor.
I have other anchors, too. Here I am up at 5 A. M. (actually I've been up since 4) trying to stay sane. It's hard to know exactly why I am not sleeping as much. Maybe it's my illness. Maybe it's because I'm not carrying mail right now and I'm less tired. Maybe it's a side effect of the medication I'm on. Maybe it some combination of all of these. But the reality is that I am battling insomnia.
Music has always been a large anchor in my life, and now is no exception. Billy Vaughn and his orchestra of all things is helping to save me as I play mandolin to the theme from A Summer Place over and over. This song has always reminded me of my mother.
It's damn hard acknowledging that one is mentally ill. One wants to put the blame elsewhere. Over and over again in my life I have tended to blame Nancy for my problems. This hasn't been the least bit fair. Slowly but surely I am starting to redefine my life not in terms of who or what is causing me pain but in terms of what I am addicted to.
What am I addicted to? Certainly music. Music has always helped ease the pain. I'm addicted to work- the quintessential workaholic. Addicted to food. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to money and shopping. Addicted to fame and attention.
Slowly but surely I am learning not to rely on my addictions. I'm not the workaholic I was 20 years ago, thank God. But other addictions remain powerful, especially my addiction to attention.
Thank God for Nancy.
Wednesday, August 1st
The Holy I
Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
I've been thinking about the problems associated with the phrase "Jesus lives in my heart." It seems to me that the primary problem is that we imagine that we have a vulnerable heart of flesh which will be destroyed eventually. What we need is an invulnerable heart, one which will never die. In short, we need a heart of stone! So we ask Jesus to come into our hearts to guard them, make them invulnerable to God's destructive force.
Another problem is the problem of the "Holy I." We know that we have a holy "self," but it is important to know how to visualize that "self." If we have Jesus living in our hearts we will imagine that we have a strong inner holy self which is surrounded by weak flesh.
I am having doubts that this is a good way to imagine ourselves.
Paul taught that we have a double nature. We have a sinful nature which Paul called "flesh" and a holy nature which Paul said lives in our "body." It is literally painful to imagine our dual nature as existing in this way, so we use a different means. We say that our holy nature is deep inside of us and that it emanates out through our flesh. At least, very occasionally it does. I doubt that Paul would find this a very compelling description of the Christian life.
Early Christians struggled quite a bit with the concept of Christ's dual nature. We know that Christ is fully human and fully divine. This is not a problem for us now. It is only those primitive Christians who did not yet understand the truth that had the problem. I would suggest that the reason it is not a problem for us is because Christ has become remote to us. We can analyze Him abstractly and not see the paradox. At the same time we create constructs of our own dual nature which don't cause us discomfort.
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