Monday, September 24th
It's not raining anymore
mood: happy
I've noticed that I haven't blogged in over two weeks. It's not that nothing has happened. I actually sat through the President's address on Iraq and had some thoughts on it. We had some friends over for dinner a couple mondays back. We went for a big bike ride yesterday.
But the big news in the Kohn household has been my deconversion from Christianity. It seems kind of silly to blog about anything else before blogging about that.
My deconversion wasn't a decision. I didn't "just decide" I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. It was more like the rain stopping. My world used to be filled with evidence that God was there, just like the world is sometimes filled with rain. And then, I just noticed that I didn't believe it anymore. The rain had stopped.
Looking back on it, I suppose it was a long time coming. There were various things that just didn't add up in the Christian religion. They kept accumulating through the years until the cognitive dissonance became too much and I just cracked. Literally. I spent four hours in the E. R. raving like a lunatic. Paradoxically, when I came out of it I felt as though I had been born again. Like I'd been through four hours of horrible labor pains and came out of it fresh and new.
The folks on the ex-christian e-mail list I have joined tell me this is a common experience. One woman compares it to going back to the point in which you believed in no gods. Fresh out of the womb. No belief in any of the common gods that people believe in.
I'm surprised at how happy I am.
Saturday, September 8th
normalcy 2
Last night Nancy and I went to our usual karaoke haunt at the campus Holiday Inn. It was different because it was a game night, and thus much more crowded than usual. There was a long lineup so I only got to sing twice. I have made Thank God I'm a Country Boy one of my usual songs. It's fun because it is pretty hard to sing. I haven't nailed it yet timing wise, but it's getting there. It felt good to go to bed later than 10 P. M. This is probably the first time I've been to bed that late since I was in the hospital. I was worried about whether I would be tempted to drink alcohol in a bar atmosphere, but it wasn't that big a deal. I did find out that I don't like virgin Bloody Marys, at least not the way they serve them at the Holiday Inn. Way too much pepper.
Today I slept in till about 8 A. M. Nancy and I had breakfast out and we wandered through the Worthington farmer's market. It was a little hard because this is where dad used to play. We had kicked around the idea of getting a big picture of dad with the dates of his life and putting it up where he used to play in front of La Chatelaine on High St, but we never got around to it. I had lunch with Jacob and he provoked me to break my rule of never taking a flatpick to a guitar again. He was wanting some instruction in modes and I don't feel confident enough with fingerpicks yet to play scales confidently, especially on the lower strings.
Tonight we are planning on going to Mozart's on High St to see if they still have a live pianist.
Friday, September 7th
normalcy
Things seem to be getting back to normal. I'm still going to bed quite early: typically before 10. However I'm not drop dead tired when I'm going to bed. Just a week or so ago I was feeling ready for bed about 8 and forcing myself to stay up until 9 by which time I was in a state of exhaustion. I seem to be getting back to my usual desires. I'm reading again. Currently I'm reading a book by George Lakoff on Freedom and a book on Maimonides. I seem to remember Maimonides' Guide for the Perplexed being in Dad's library years ago, although Mom doesn't remember it. It seems appropriate for me to read it right now, because I feel pretty perplexed. Reading philosophy is a royal pain in the ass, especially medieval and earlier philosophy. Those guys just seem to think differently than we do. The book I'm reading is a joy because it introduces each reading my Maimonides with a brief explanation of what is going to happen.
One thing that hasn't been normal is that I haven't been listening to music. One day I remembered to take my ipod to work but forgot the headphones. Perhaps it's just as well: I am concentrating on learning four new routes and probably should not be listening to music at work.
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